New Year’s Resolutions Every Bettor Can Appreciate

New Year’s Resolutions Every Bettor Can Appreciate

In general, I have a pretty “meh” attitude about the whole concept of New Year’s resolutions. The great Peter La Fleur said it best:

Traditionally, resolutions mean hollow promises to eat less dessert, workout more, and get up earlier. I got tired and hungry just writing that sentence, so the health/wellness resolutions will have to wait. I would, however, very much like to live my best degen life in 2018. There’s something quite jarring about hearing your 10-year-old nephew explain your profanities to his friends: “Oh, that’s just my Auntie Lauren. She probably lost a bet.”

The goal for 2018 is simple: Fewer profanities and more winners. And this is how I’m going to do it.

I will stop betting unders.

I really want to decrease the amount of time I spend clenching my butt at the end of games. While this may be counterproductive since I’ve already scratched going to the gym off my list, there is nothing worse than praying for a game to have less action. I’m not very proficient at betting totals to begin with, so eliminating one option should be beneficial. I have the utmost confidence I will abide by this resolution. No doubts here. None. The Jan. 18 Virginia-Georgia Tech hoops game definitely won’t catch my eye. I’ll set the Over/Under on how many days I last at 10 … and take the under. (It’s still 2017, so I’m good.)

I will give my Dead To Me list a clean slate.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my “Dead To Me” list, an ever-growing compilation of all the teams that have screwed me. Well, since we are ringing in a new year, why not wipe the slate clean and give these teams another shot? Seems easy enough, right? Actually, as I write, I am still cringing at this idea. Just last week, in a college hoops survivor pool, I took Nevada against San Francisco. The Wolfpack were 12-point favorites. Somehow, they lost. I immediately deadlisted Nevada after that game. I don’t feel great about pardoning them just a couple weeks after they scorned me. But for the sake of positivity and out of sheer practicality, I’m going to give this a shot. My biggest nightmare is that March Madness comes around and all 64 teams are on my list. (An important exception: All stipulations above do not — and never will — apply to Arizona State. They’re permanently deadlisted. Bear Down.)

I will not bet out of spite.

The only thing worse than losing a bet, is losing a bet you made out of spite. It’s happened on more than one occasion. My go-to is gambling on whoever is playing against UCLA just to rile up my sister (she’s an alum). The bet might hit 30% of the time, but the other 70% it ends in misery for everyone involved.

I will leave my family out of it when I lose a bet.

In the spirit of not teaching my nephew any more swear words and keeping the peace with my sister and brother-in-law, I will refrain from doing things like this after losing aforementioned spite bets that definitely are no longer happening.

I will promote positive international relations.

I’m just one person, but I pledge to do my part in embracing other cultures by betting on far-away countries as huge underdogs in the Winter Olympics and World Cup. Ghana … a cross-country-skiing powerhouse? Sure, it could happen! Remember the Jamaican bobsled team? Germany losing to South Korea in … soccer? Why not?! Plus, they need all the support they can get right now.

I will limit my Round Robin parlays.

Notice the word limit. Not eliminate. Baby steps. In theory, Round Robin parlays seem like a great idea (learn more about them here). But I don’t enjoy the way they make me feel. I mean, is there anything worse than doing a Round Robin ML parlay with the six biggest favorites of the day, only to have half the teams lose and make you feel like three times as dumb than if you simply took one of those losing teams on the moneyline at -450? That’s a rhetorical question.

I will not assign odds to everything.

Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with assigning odds to which paw my dog will lift first, or coming up with an over/under on the number of times my mom will say “Has anyone seen my phone?” in a day. But, when I partake in the foregoing, I still get mad when I lose. It’s just unneeded stress that I clearly should to save for sporting events. It will be tough to quit, though. If I had to put a number on it, the odds that I don’t make up odds for at least one thing per day are +180. See, I couldn’t even do it here. OK … starting NOW.

Photo via Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

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