From the Sandbox
By Sanders Lightfoot
10/13/2004 11:25 AM EST
Courtesy of https://www.sportsinsights.com
I had a girlfriend. Once. Real nice girl.
The relationship ended so long ago, I do not really remember the particulars of our courtship. However, I do remember that she had blue-green eyes and blonde hair. She let me look at her boobs and watch football, although not necessarily at the same time.
I do not know why we broke up, but I am pretty sure it had nothing to do with football. In fact, I am positive it had nothing to do with football. Watching football. Playing football. Talking football. None of it fazed her. While she did not understand the intricacies of the two-gap defense, she knew that my Sunday afternoons in front of the television were no reflection on how much I liked her or her boobs.
The reason I bring this up is because I thought this is how all relationships worked. That is, until I talked to my buddy Fish this Sunday. He told me he was going to miss the Patriots game because he had to polish his furniture and go grocery shopping with his girlfriend. In his own words, “I feel like Frank the Tank from ‘Old School.’”
I did not attempt to add fuel to the fire that I knew was burning inside Fish, because what I have heard about healthy adult relationships, they require understanding, patience and compromise. But for some reason, I thought those rules of intimacy were only applicable Monday through Saturday.
Now, I can not blame Fish for skipping out on the Pats because a) his girl is an absolute sweetheart, b) they just moved into a new apartment, and c) sniffing Murphy’s Oil Soap is more satisfying than watching the Dolphins any day of the week.
But, it did get me thinking. Eventually, I am going to find myself of one these women that I hear so much about. And when I do, I want to make sure she and I are on the same page. So, in an attempt to avoid future heartbreak and letdown, I’ve developed a bit of a pre-screening exam that I plan on giving to future mates.
Only those who answer 3 of 5 questions correctly will be considered “acceptable” dating material. After all, if a 60% success rate is good enough to get a college degree; it certainly is good enough to date me.
1. How would you best finish this sentence: “Sunday is…”
a) “That’s my fun day. My I don’t wanna run day.”
b) “My day of rest.”
c) “Shhhh. Can you please keep it down? Sanders is watching the game.”
2. The following individuals would be welcome at our first dinner party:
a) Ricky Williams
b) Rafael Furcal
c) Jamal Lewis
d) All of the above
3. “Back door cover” is best defined as:
a) An indoor/outdoor accessory for my cat
b) A late-game score that covers the spread in a meaningless game
c) Your first anniversary present
4. Stuart Scott is:
a) Author of the “Great Gatsby”
b) Composer of that National Anthem song
c) Cliché-riddled host of ESPN’s Monday Night Countdown
5. This Sunday, you’ve been invited to a Yankee Candle party at your old college roommate’s house. You reply:
a) Sanders will love that. We’ll be there at 1 PM.
b) I’m sorry. Sundays aren’t good. We’re so busy with church.
c) No, I can’t. Sanders is having some friends over, and I have to stay home to tap the keg, cook the chili and show the stripper where she can get changed.
Because life is never short on answers, here are this week’s freaklently asked questions:
Who is more of a circus sideshow at this point in his/her non-existent professional sports career, Ricky Williams or Anna Kournikova? You are probably thinking Ricky Williams, right? Then I am guessing you haven’t seen the making of Anna’s swimsuit calendar?
Wouldn’t it be funny if Rafael Furcal gave Jamal Lewis a ride to jail?
ABC is airing a “Growing Pains” reunion special this Saturday? Who has October 16, 2004 in their “the apocalypse is upon us” pool?
Has anyone else noticed that ESPN.com has started putting point spreads on their live scoreboard? Will someone please tell Hank Goldberg?
Do you think anyone will notice if I only pose four questions this week?
Not all men are created equal; therefore, I give you this week’s addition of picks, pans and props:
Pick of the Week: Minnesota (-3) on the turf, in a dome, against New Orleans. Come on, I was just kidding around with my Dolphins over Jets pick two weeks ago. I’m good at this stuff. Believe me.
Pan: ESPN’s Encore Presentation of “Hustle.” Once again, no joke needed. This was even worse the second time around.
Prop: Will Roger Clemens be the winning pitcher of Game 7 of the World Series played at Fenway Park? Yes (-750)
Props to everyone that is going to make a living teasing the Colts to the Over this year.
OK guys. See you next Tuesday.
Sanders Lightfoot, author and columnist, appears courtesy of 100 Proof Publishing and Sports Insights. Email your questions, comments and concerns to firstname.lastname@example.org