From the Sandbox
By Sanders Lightfoot
12/09/2004 11:07PM EST
Courtesy of http://www.sportsinsights.com
Well, who would have guessed that my one week holiday hiatus would have caused so many Sports Insights subscribers to complain to management? [Ed note: No one.]
Well, I would like to take this time to apologize to the thousands of Sports Insights subscribers who were forced to go without my article last week. [Ed note: The official number of inquiries was two. The first said “Thanks for getting rid of that Lightfoot guy. The second was Sanders’ mother.]
You see, right around this time every year I embark on a little soul searching mission in an attempt to re-focus and regain my creative muse. [Ed note: For the second consecutive year, Sanders Lightfoot was arrested for inappropriate contact with an inflatable cartoon character at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.]
But I can not say that my absence was as relaxing and uneventful as it has been in past years. You see, this year I found myself in the center of the BALCO steroid scandal. As a matter of full disclosure, I did partake in the use of both the mysterious “clear” and the “cream” on a daily basis for the past three years.
How could I not? Look at the results, achievements and accolades some of the sports industry’s major stars have garnered over the past few years by using the “mystery ointment.” Although, I guess my mistake came from the fact that I did not use the steroid on any major muscle groups. I simply rubbed it on my belly. This, coupled with the fact that I did not work out during my steroid use, caused me to simply get fat and puffy.
While I do not have the medial evidence (or the leaked grand jury testimony) to prove it, something makes me think that David Boston used a similar technique. Except instead of rubbing the steroid on his belly, he simply rubbed the “clear” or the “cream” on his head, which has increased tenfold since he left The Ohio State University.
Who did not know that this guy was on steroids? He went from Christina Aguilerra to Kirstie Alley seemingly overnight. And he still insists on appealing his suspension? This guy must live in the same fantasy land inhabited by Ricky Williams.
My solution to this growing problem? Make steroids legal. In fact, make them mandatory. To be a professional football player, you must eat, drink, rub or otherwise ingest some type of steroid on a daily basis. Think about it, offensive would increase and the ratings will follow. Every game would be like the opening scene of the Last Boy Scout.
Forget about the “chuck zone” or interference calls, juice up baby. It’s the obviously the future of football.
You would think that after a week off I would have had enough time to answer life’s little queries, but since I didn’t…here are this week’s freaklently asked questions:
Speaking of the BALCO scandal, when was the last time you let another man rub a “mysterious” cream on you without asking any questions? I am guessing, never?
At what point do you think sportsbooks will stop offering Colts/Over teasers?
Who’s going to break the news to T.B. that BYU did not make a bowl this year?
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Drew Henson was backing up Chad Hutchinson in Chicago next year?
Was there really a Jeff George sighting? That wasn’t a joke?
Let’s cut to the chase. This week’s picks, pans and props.
Pick of the week: Cincy (+11). Tell me you don’t think that the Bengals are going a little pumped up to face Corey Dillon.
Pan of the week: Notre Dame. Was Ty really that bad? Even if he was, who’s gonna be better?
Prop: Ron Artest’s album will go Platinum. (-150000)
Props to the Auburn Hills Police for pressing charges against the Indiana Pacers. Apparently Denny Neagle was not in the neighborhood that night.
Sanders Lightfoot, author and columnist, appears courtesy of 100 Proof Publishing and Sports Insights. Email your questions, comments and concerns to firstname.lastname@example.org