From the Sandbox
By Sanders Lightfoot
11/17/2004 1:33 PM EST
Courtesy of http://www.sportsinsights.com
Despite popular opinion, I am not that clever. I actually have not had an original story idea since I wrote my “Darrius Underwood: This is God Calling” article back in 1999. But considering that was during my first stint at the pre-Carini Sports Insights, I doubt you have ever seen it. In fact, I’m pretty sure the religious right pulled a Bill Cosby and bought up the rights to all those articles just so you would never be able to enjoy the humor as it was intended to be enjoyed. However, I digress.
I had this great article planned about how I was going to be taking a month off from writing in order to promote my new rap album, but when I heard Mitch Albom make a joke in similar vein during Sunday’s ESPN Sports Reporters I decided to scrap the whole story idea. You see, I live by two rules: 1) Always bet against popular opinion and 2) Never use a joke if Mitch Albom has used it first.
(Author’s Note: Somewhere in New Jersey my mother, just spit her South Beach-approved protein shake all over the floor. You see, she thinks I should be spending more time writing a Tuesday’s With Maury-esq opus and less time ranting and raving about absolute nonsense every week. I can not say she is wrong, but as Judge Smails so aptly put it, “the world needs ditch diggers too, Danny.”)
So now, armed with no real story idea, I am going to simply tell you about how I stopped wearing underwear. I think I have been sans-panties for about one month now, but I can not be sure. I can not pinpoint the exact reason I stopped wearing them. I simply woke up one morning and decided that I am not an underwear kinda guy anymore. Kind of the same way Drew Bledsoe woke up one day and decided that he is not a starting NFL quarterback kinda guy anymore.
Or maybe it was just that I forgot to put them on. You know, I got up, took a shower, got dressed and forgot my under garments. Similar to the way that Bill Parcells woke up, brushed his teeth, combed his hair and forgot how to coach.
Hey, thanks for sticking with me so far. I realize I am way off target today. I feel like Mark Brunnell, speaking of guys who woke up one morning and forgot how to play quarterback.
I have this buddy Buchan, and he is a dead ringer for Brunnell. I have always said that if Mark Brunnell ever wanted to stop playing football but keep collecting paychecks, he could simply call Buchan up and offer him $50,000 a game to take a few snaps in his place and no one would be the wiser.
Now, I have not talked to Buchan in a while, but the way the guy wearing number 8 for the Redskins has thrown the football this season, I am pretty sure I know what Buchan has been up to for the last nine weeks.
Ok, let’s sum things up before I dull our collective unconscious anymore.
- Mitch Albom is never funny.
- Do not bet on the Bills (Buffalo or Parcells) the rest of this season.
- The Redskins can not be any worse off with Pat Ramsey, but then again they face the Eagles, Steelers, Giants, and Eagles again in the next four weeks.
Here ended the lesson.
Because it would not be any fun to simply answer the questions…here are this week’s freaklently asked questions:
Wow, did I just mail this week’s article in or what?
Who is worse than evaluating quarterback talent than the San Diego Chargers?
Why do I have the sneaky suspicion that Dave Wannstadt will be coaching New Orleans next year? And Norv Turner will be his offensive coordinator? And Rickey Williams will be their running back? And Jim Haslet will be coaching the Dolphins?
Exactly who was offended by seeing that naked chick on the MNF opening? Women? The same women who watch wholesome, family oriented programming like ‘Wife Swap’ and ‘Meet Your New Mommy’?
Did anyone else see that CNN story about the old woman with the piece of burnt toast that resembled a saint? More importantly, did you notice that she had a “Herbie Goes Bananas” poster hanging on her wall? Seriously, do you think I could make this up?
I realize it’s late and you are tired, so here are this week’s picks, pans and props:
Pick of the week: New Orleans (+4). If you are not willing to “please” the Colts and Over up to 14/51.5, at least take the points against a shaky Broncos team.
Pan: Dallas. Boooo.
Prop: Eli Manning will get sacked at least four times in his NFL starting debut. (-150)
Props to my dad for delivering this analysis: “How ’bout them Colts. I think that they should forego defense altogether (after all, what can one lonely Syracuse grad do against 1700 lbs. of offensive line?) Trade Freeney for, say…..Anquan Bolden. Then, spread James out, go five wide and manage the clock so that they have the ball last. They will win every game.”
Ok guys, see you next Tuesday.
Sanders Lightfoot, author and columnist, appears courtesy of 100 Proof Publishing and Sports Insights. Email your questions, comments and concerns to firstname.lastname@example.org