SportsInsights

Since Sunday’s Green Bay/Tampa Bay  broadcast featured a shameless Fox promo for the American Idol Christmas Special a full six weeks before the holidays, there could be no reasonable objection if I issued my “2004 Top 5 Celebrities I Would Sleep With” list a month and a half before the new year. 

This year’s list includes 1) Mandy Moore, 2) Shannyn Sossamon (Knight’s Tale) 3) Kate Hudson 4) Julia Stiles and 5) Kristin Kruek (Smallville). 

Like it or not, that’s my list.  Laminate it. 

I will not debate the merritt of my list with anyone, but I will concede that the absence of 2003’s most beautiful person, Halle Berry, is a bit conspicuous.  But if you have ever seen “Monster’s Ball,” you know why I can no longer look at her in the same light.

It is true that the sight of Halle Berry naked elicits feelings that most men have not had since they took down their Cheryl Tiegs posters; however,  all the joy and ecstasy brought about by lengthy full-frontal shots of Halle Berry is quickly washed away by even the quickest glance of Billy Bob’s bare backside.

This Sunday’s NFL action was very much like watching the Halle Berry nude scenes from “Monster’s Ball.”  It started with a slight tease, included a lengthy build-up, proceeded to a rousing climax, then before you know it, you’re staring at pasty white man-ass and the momentum comes crashing to a halt. 

Here is a blow-by-blow comparison of the aforementioned love scene and NFL Sunday:  

Scene comes to focus:  Halle Berry is sitting on the couch and drinking Jack Daniels in a pair of Daisy Duke’s and a do-rag.

Before things even get started, we knew something special was about to happen.  Handle was up.  The publiuc had a few matchups they liked.  We were not sure what was about to transpire, but we were pretty confident that if things went according to plan, we were going to like the end result.

Cut to scene:  A drunk Halle Berry starts to fondle herself, tugging at her shirt and shorts.    

Things started to heat up.  Most folks liked K.C. and St. Louis big.  We definitely knew something was brewing, but we were hesitant.  These big decisions were not new to us anymore, the same way Berry’s ya-ya’s are a matter of public record.  We were prepared to hold back judgment until someone actually delivered.

Cut to scene:  Berry grabs Thornton and says “Make me feel good.”

It’s on!  All systems go.  Cincy hung with K.C. and Chicago led at the half.

Cut to scene: Berry takes off her tank top and reveals a naked breast.

The day was promising to be worth the wait.  After sitting through countless days of modest decisions, we started to build momentum.  Three consecutive winning weekends were in our sites for the first time all year.  The early games started coming in winners.  One after another.  Houston won outright and broke up teasers.  Philly beat the Giants.  Jacksonville covered.  Miami delivered an uninspired victory over Baltimore.  All the minor decisions started to add up. 

Cut to scene:  Thornton struggles to pull off Berre’s thong, bends her over the couch, and begins to compromise her integrity from behind.

PAYDAY!  Cincy wins.  Chicago covers.

Cut to scene:   A completely nude Halle Berry goes cowgirl.

We kept on rolling.  Minnesota sputtered.  No one could stop us.

Cut to scene:  A completely nude Billy Bob comes into focus.

We could not believe our eyes.  What had happened?  My god!  The shame of it all.  All of the day’s beauty and splendor came to a screeching halt.  Indy won.  Denver rolled.  New England covered.

Cut to scene:  Tight shot of Halle Berry’s face sleeping.

No one cares.  The magic had already been ruined. Although there were certainly more highpoints on the day than low points, the low points really hurt, and while the day ended up a profitable one, it costs Halle Berry her spot on my list.