SportsInsights

I would like to take a moment to thank all of the Sports Insighters that inquired about my conspicuous absence over the past two weeks.  I took an extended vacation and traveled abroad for Thanksgiving; therefore, I had to take a hiatus from my weekly column.  I apologize to both of my fans for the inconvenience, but the Sports Guy does not even post a weekly column any more.  

In an attempt to appease those Sports Insighters who actually enjoy my chocolate-covered biscotti contribution to the no nonsense Folgers instant coffee content found on Sports Insights, I suggested to the editorial staff of SiS that they run a “best of” column each week.  However, they informed me that my columns stink, thus do not qualify for a “best of” feature.

While I certainly missed making my weekly contribution to the world of high stakes international gaming analysis, I enjoyed my Thanksgiving travels.  In addition to the usual Thanksgiving trimmings (i.e. cornbread stuffing, Del Sol casseroles, a Lions win, and a major payday for Oasis), I participated in the “Inaugural Cyberbookies Thanksgiving Touch Football Classic,” a pitiful excuse of a two-hand touch game that consisted of fourteen out of shape, twenty-pusing-thrity-somethings chasing each other around on a cold Sunday morning.

My final stat line was rather pedestrian (1 catch, 10 yards; 2 rushes, 15 yards; 2 sacks; 1 tackle for a loss).  In fact, it paled in comparison to my last (and greatest) adult athletic achievement, which came in a four-on-four three-quarter court basketball game in the North Shore Jewish Community Center Men’s Basketball League.  A game where I posted up a 5’4” forty-five year old attorney from Plainville, MA, en route to throwing in 18 points and snatching 10 rebounds. 

It was a some point between my second rushing attempt and my third dry heave of the day that I began to suspect that my athletic prowess has waned.  My fears were confirmed forty-eight hours later when I was still unable to wipe my own ass.  As I laid motionless on a couch for two straight days, sipping hot chocolate, watching previews for Trista and Ryan’s wedding while reading the latest Women’s Home Journal, which I picked up because it had Kelly Ripa on the cover, I began to think that I had lost my game.  My bravado.  My intramural warrior mentality.  I wondered aloud if I had become as irrelevant as Anna Kournikova or Notre Dame football? 

Well, we would soon find out as Notre Dame visited central New York to take on an equally inept Syracuse University football team.  With the college football season winding down, it was no surprise that most folks lined up for their chance to get in on the last remaining action before the bowl season set in.  What was a surprise was that the public liked Notre Dame big despite the fact that no one has like Notre Dame big all year.  

When the final gun sounded, we found out why folks did not like Notre Dame big all year.  It’s because they are not very good.  The Orange crushed the Irish, handing us our first major decision on the day and proving that the Irish are indeed more irrelevant than Anna Kournikova. 

In the day’s other action, folks followed Sports Insights example (see 11/8/03 Recap) and made the Army/Navy matchup relevant once again.  It could have been the pomp and pagentry or the history and tradition that made people sit up and take notice.  But more likely than not, it was the fact that Army has lost fourteen in a row that coerced the public into taking Navy laying 22 points.  When Army failed to snatch a cover from the jaws of their fifteenth consecutive defeat, we lost our first battle of the day, but we were still ahead in the war.

Heading into the day’s featured matchup, we needed a K-State team getting two touchdowns against the undisputed king of college football.  With all eyes on the last major college football game on the regular season, the public liked Oklahoma minus two touchdowns.  But then again, why wouldn’t they?  They have liked the Sooners laying as many as seven touchdowns all season.

When it was all said and done, the Sooners could have been getting two touchdowns and it would not have mattered.  K-State rolled, breaking up teasers and proving once again that they are the most relevant thing to come out of Kansas since Vivid Video’s “Laying the Yellow Brick Load” starring Dorothy Toto.

As we close the chapter on the college football regular season, here’s the final count for those keeping score at home:

Notre Dame:  Irrelevant

Anna:  More relevant than Notre Dame

Army/Navy:  Relevant but not profitable

Kansas State: Relevant and profitable

Vivid Video:  Naughty but nice

Me:  Finally able to walk again and waiting until next year to determine my relevancy.